But Hey, That's Just Me

2009-05-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

Once I was told that I couldn't’ be loved by anyone else because of the flaws and the things that I had been through had caused me to become someone that was hard to love. The craziest part is once I heard those words it seems like I started making that prediction come true. Every time I found a man that seemed to love me, I found a way to destroy it. I even got a nickname that told of how I ruined lives. Sadly, I started to not care if my relationships went very far because I was convinced that they couldn’t even if I wanted them too.
See my biggest hang up was being hurt and appearing desperate. Not to blame one person, but at one time I was very trusting and loving. If I loved you, I gave you my everything, period. Then once upon a yesterday, I gave my all and the heartache I suffered for doing so hardened me to the point that I woke up one day and I did not recognize myself. Loss of a dream, loss of a facade, love loss that you realize might not ever been real, those are some powerful things to go through.
So here I am, wanting and willing to put all that hurt aside. My reason? I want to be loved. I want to be able to show love, to be a loving person again without worrying who’s going to take advantage of my love. For me this is an exhausted subject because no matter how many times I try to get back to my true nature I cannot. I’m too scared, too broken.
The thing is I think I have what I want and therefore I don’t want to mess it up. But how do you stop a train wreck? How do you tell your own heart that it’s ok to put the shield down when it stopped listening to you so long ago that it probably would not recognize your voice to begin with? I wish I knew the answer, almost as much as I wish I knew simply how to let go of the hurt and pain that caused me to be this way in the first place.
I’m not going to give up though. I can’t, not as long as I choose to live life to the fullest. For what’s a life without love? Intimate, personal, meaningful, sacred love. I don’t know and frankly I am not the least bit curious in finding out. But hey, that’s just me.

Opportunites Unlimited

2009-04-07T12:37:00.000-07:00

On April 26th I walk across the stage at Davenport University's main campus in Grand Rapids, MI and I will OFFICIALLY have my Associates degree in Marketing. Although that in itself is truly exciting, it also puts a lot of pressure on me to get and be better at marketing my debut album “Can You Hear Me Now?” and at branding my name. Although I have learned so much and each day I try to use the marketing principles that I have learned I still have yet to reach the momentum that I need to be successful.
I am an independent artist and I believe that I am extremely talented; however there are thousands of extremely talented people in the world. I am starting to believe that prioritizing and finding the right people to support and work with you is key. The thing is in my efforts to be all that I can be,I have found those types of people are far and in between.
Less than a month ago I lost a close and dear friend of mine and he was at the beginning of his life. His death has made my need to succeed even deeper because I am faced with my own mortality. Not only that, it made me want to be remembered for something great. It would be awesome to become a mega-super star, but I am more concerned with sharing my music with the world.
I feel that I am a highly intuitive person, in addition to being very expressive of human emotions. When I sing I translate all of this and I have seen how powerful that is when I perform. This is why I feel so much pressure because it is important for me to be my own driving force. Yet, it is turning out to be incredibly hard. Everyone needs a mentor and I have had that in my father, Anthony Hawkins, vocalist and lead guitarist of the Black Merda Band . His example, teachings, direction, love, support, etc. is the reason that I am the woman, the musician that I am today. Nevertheless, I have taken on more with choosing marketing as my back up career. When it comes to integrating the two, marketing and music, I am the first to take it to the level that I am striving for. Heck, I am the first of his children to graduate from college.
My pursuits are what sometimes motivate me to get out of bed. On the other hand, they are occasionally what keeps me under the covers. I am determined to realize my dreams even if I have to ammend them as I go along. There are a lot of things that I am doing that are right and I know that they will lead me to being who I am meant to be. What worries me is that it is obvious that there are things that I am doing wrong also. So for now, figuring out which is which has taken its place on my list of things to do. Overwhelmed or not, I will get better. But hey, that's just me.

Inspiration

2009-03-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

Sunday was my first performance of the songs off my album and it was awesome! I was so comfortable and I sounded really good. I wish I could have put together a complete show (i.e. dancers, background singers, full band). However, I believe I made up for it with my performance. It is amazing how 17 minutes can make such a big difference! I can't describe the high I got from hearing the applause, in the middle of my song(!!!!), and the reaction of the crowd was infectious. I have known all my life that I wanted to sing, but this last performance has definitely sealed my fate, I am meant to do this.
Growing up in a musical family, for me, has been truly been a blessing in so many ways. Music has gotten me and my family through some really tough times. Writing songs, singing them, recording them, etc. is like therapy for me, and I know for a fact my dad and siblings feel the same way. That is part of the reason why I have chosen to pursue a music career. The other reason is I love being able to touch people's lives.
After Sunday's show I received emails, Myspace messages and friend requests, all because of my performance and my song, Knowing. The song itself was my way of getting my feelings out about my first love lying and leaving me and now I know (because of my album & performance) that other people identify with the song. They see themselves, even if they feel like the song was written about them. That is so HUGE! And it feels AMAZING!
I get discouraged and I get disappointed in how far I have to go with not only this album but my career as a recording artist period. However, in those 17 minutes I realized that I have what it takes to be successful. I have to keep pushing forward, no matter how I am feeling or how bleak the outlook might be. From now on I am on a mission to do whatever it takes (within reason and moral restraints) to be successful and to fulfill my destiny. But hey, that's just me.

Taking Charge

2009-03-04T07:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I started reading "Web Marketing for Dummies" and it opened up so much creativity in me, I almost feel like myself again. Almost. Some kind of a way I have managed to take all of my pinned up stress, anger, frustration, etc. and put it into my left shoulder. Therefore, for a solid week I have been having excruciating muscle spasms. I actually went to the emergency room and got a prescription. I also started taking the medication and this has thrown my body and state of mind into oblivion and beyond.
Slowly I am trying to come out of it, but the pain, plus all of the stuff that stressed me out enough to cause this kind of pain, are really holding me down. It is funny, I feel these moments of clarity and optimism, then I feel stupid for ever feeling like that to begin with. Yet and still I have no choice but to push forward.
I have a whole lot that I want to accomplish. Yeah I have my associates degree in Marketing, the first in my family to do that but then again so what? For me certain accomplishments are lost when it is the minimum that you should have achieved in the first place. I know and I believe in me. Point blank.
I have disappointed the crap out of myself numerous of times but guess what? I am the only one who is counting. Sometimes I think that is the only because no one else really sees me. Obviously I get it right some of the time. Of course those are the times that my memory can not readily recall. I guess I am going to have to do something about that. But hey, that's just me.

A Day for Love

2009-02-11T12:34:00.000-08:00

Called the symbol of love roses are a favorite of mine. Through movies and my parents I have always associated roses with Valentine’s Day. This Valentine’s Day I am not sure of how I will be celebrating but I do think that it will prove to be special. Here in the United States Valentine’s Day is a really big commercial holiday. However, I believe that it can be about sharing, caring, and loving those around you.
Valentine’s Day is actually celebrated all over the world and roses are the most popular flower for gift giving. The first time I ever received flowers for Valentine’s Day, my then boyfriend had ordered them from 1800flowers.com, and they were beautiful. It was really amazing how those flowers lifted my spirits and made me feel so cared for. I am actually the type that doesn’t need a holiday to appreciate a bouquet of flowers.
This Valentine’s Day falls on a weekend and that makes for an even better time. I have my own ideal Valentine’s Day celebration, but as I said before I think it should be about sharing, caring, and loving those around you. Gifts are great to receive and even better to give. Hopefully I will get a beautiful bouquet of roses to go along with the pleasure of being with the special man in my life. If not, being with him will be enough. But hey, that’s just me.

Bad Day

2009-01-22T14:17:00.000-08:00

Today I got into a huge argument with my older brother. The argument was petty, but every time we get into an argument, he brings up money that he gave for OUR BROTHER'S memorial service. I am unclear as to why he feels like he is owed something, our brother's death was unexpected, he didn't have life insurance, and he was only 24 years old. There was no way that we could afford the memorial service without help.
When I think of how he keeps throwing this up in my face it angers me beyond belief. I was with our little brother throughout his short illness (he died of cardio-myopathy that went undiagnosed) and I am the one who cut his life support once he was no longer breathing on his own. I would do it again in a heartbeat if it would mean that my little brother had some sort of peace before his life ended, but MAN! My grief is born out of watching him suffer in addition to losing him.
I guess I am unable to see how material/monetary contribution justifies my older brother's actions. In a lot of ways I am broken because of what I endured in my support of both my brothers. Grief is a cruel task master, it knows no boundaries and it will raise its ugly head whenever it feels like it. I think that I am subjected to the selfishness of my older sibling because of his own grief. However, that is no excuse and I am unable to look past his words and actions.
Every day I struggle with continuing my life because I live with the memories of how my little brother's life ended. No one else in my family has these memories; there isn't anyone whom I can share this with to lessen my burden either. So how do I pull myself up when I am faced with the ones who should be supporting me, adding to my suffering?
That is a question that I have asked myself many times. Through the grace of God I am still here, with my sanity still intact (sort of). I push past negativity, I try to let go of my anger, and I write. These things have helped me greatly throughout this past year that my little brother has been gone. I am not saying, in no way, shape, or fashion that I am ok. Because I am not. What I am saying is that my little brother's death and the lack of support that I have with coping with my role in his death are things that I cannot change. Therefore I must still live, I must still know. But hey, that's just me.

Moving Along

2008-12-24T11:55:00.000-08:00

My research has made me even more excited and committed to going to Kenya. I am really learning a lot about the culture and the people. Since I am a writer and I have been exploring the possibility of writing about my experiences in Kenya I keep coming across the Nation Media Group. Additionally, I came across veteran journalist, Wangethi Mwangi, who is the Editorial Director. As you can see Nation Media Group employs some very ambitious and business savvy individuals. Wangethi Mwangi is very verbal about the role that the media plays in spreading the campaign for independence for Kenya. Kenya is a multicultural country made up of numerous ethnic groups. This diverse culture adds to the allure for me. There is also the Kenyan cuisine for me to think about. I want to try this dish called Biriani, which has beef (or chicken), rice, onions, potatoes, papaya, ginger, yum, yum, YUM! It just sounds delicious, actually I was thinking of trying it at home. I am a pretty good cook, which is ironic because so is Wangethi Mwangi. It just so happens to be a hobby of his. It makes me feel so good and confident to know that I have things in common with people who are way across the world. It also shows me that I can achieve my goals. Traveling and becoming an accomplished writer doesn’t seem like a far away dream. But hey, that’s just me.

Sugar & Spice, and Everything Nice

2008-12-18T08:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a really long day for me. I am preparing for finals and my boss came back from a short vacation with a long list of projects for me to complete by the end of the day. Needless to say I was stressed! I work in the academic office at Davenport University, which is also the school I attend. One of my former professors saw how stressed I was and he did the greatest thing, he gave me CHOCOLATE! Talk about a mood change, as soon as I bit into that milky sweetness my spirits were lifted.
The package was an assortment from Fannie May Candies filled with delicious chocolates. I am not one of those people who love sweets. I actually prefer salty snacks over the sweet ones. However, chocolate is a different type because it really does seem to brighten my day. I say to all my potential boyfriends, when in doubt bring me chocolate. I know it seems old fashioned to go with the traditional flowers and candy routine but it works! I am also aware that at times I am the perfect example of, “I am woman hear me roar”, yet there are still times that I need to be treated to the therapeutic sweetness of chocolate. But hey, that’s just me.

Moving Ahead

2008-12-15T07:21:00.000-08:00

With each new day I realize that the economic condition of the U.S. is a lot like its citizens, it has its good days and its bad days. Being a young woman, with a promising career I still feel like I need to look towards the future and to do that I have to make some sound investments. I have researched different types of investments and the one that I keep coming back to is real estate. I know that I do not know a lot about being the owner of something that requires so much maintenance so I have also been researching property managers. This is when I came across the name Tim Arel.
I have been thinking of acquiring an apartment complex or a condominium and that happens to be Tim Arel’s specialty. I want property that will be able to generate a profit and provide me with a home if my finances get tight. I am a single mother and I have absolutely no misconceptions about my mortality. Making a big investment like that is something I want to do along with the professional help that a property manager can provide. I have really been looking forward to the next level of my life financially and otherwise, therefore I feel confident that making the decision to invest in property should not come lightly.
I was delighted to see that there are specialists that deal in managing your property for you. Tim Arel has great credentials and I like the fact that he has narrowed down the types of properties that he manages. I will continue to research investing, real estate, the economy, and of course, professionals that can help me take my financial life to a new level of security. I feel that baby steps are in order because this is such a big decision. But hey, that’s just me.

Pushing Past My Setbacks

2008-12-03T10:22:00.000-08:00

I am at a cross roads of sorts, yet I really don't want to be. I have spent a lot of time these past few months trying to establish some sort of routine for my life. However, at every turn I am met with opposition. For instance, I try to take a chance on a relationship with a man that I felt was a friend. I changed, in a sense, because I did not let myself react the way I usually do to certain situations and yet and still I got basically the same outcome. So now we are not even speaking to each other; things were said, by him, that I can not let go of. And at the end I realized that I just wasted time and energy on a relationship that was headed no where to begin with. To top that all off, I am now playing catch up with my school work, my writing, and my promotion of my new CD, all because I wanted to make things work with him.
Ironically, I do not in any way blame him. He is a good man at heart and he will make someone a good boyfriend or husband. He is not the one for me, and in accepting that I have also accepted that he never asked me to change or to take time away from anything that was important to me. I did those things entirely on my own and although I am not sure why I went to such extremes, I am sure that I was rebounding and overcompensating for all that I have lost.
My life basically consists of school, work, my son, my family, my friends, and me last. This is not even remotely structured, and for me to function I have to have structure. Sure I am angry at myself for wasting time and I am angry at him for misrepresenting himself to me. But that is just a small part of the opposition that I face when trying to put my life on track. My unwillingness to not let myself get caught up in helping others, I mean to the point where I end up suffering, is crazy to say the least. The worst part about it is that I never realize that that is what I am doing until it starts being blatantly apparent that I am losing because of whatever crusade I am on.
Where or what can I do to stop this never ending cycle? I firmly believe that part of my problem is I let my mind spend too much time in the past, remembering when I had some semblance of order. I know I have to deal in the here and now, but I don't know how to let go. I pride myself on being a highly intelligent young woman, and I know that I am talented. So why is it that I have made such a small amount of progress?
Everyone has advice, some say its the people in my life. I know that I am in habit of keeping the same set of friends, basically everyone of them have been in my life for a decade or more. Some say its because I try to do too much. As I stated before I am in school, I am a freelance writer, I work part-time, and I have a debut CD that I just released. That's a lot, I know, but to me all necessary.
I guess I should take some me-time, and I should really try and figure out what is hindering me from being at my full potential. I know one thing, I am not getting in anymore relationships. At least not until I am in full control of my life and schedule. Loneliness and I are old friends, therefore, I think I can deal with out a man. One day at a time, making my own way through life as intelligently and diligently as I can. I'm not quite sure of where I should begin, but I am going start anyway. But hey, that's just me.

Change

2008-11-26T10:23:00.000-08:00

It's a gradual process, changing your life and thus changing your way of thinking. I have found more often than not that thinking something to death is what usually prevents the change from occurring. This is also the case with trying to break a bad habit, at least for me it is. Take for instance smoking; the more I smoked the worst my body felt. When I sat and thought about quitting it seemed impossible, in fact I would instantly want to smoke. But when I just stopped and I didn't let myself ponder or mull over my decision, the habit was broken. That’s when I said to myself that I can truly do anything. Overcoming an addiction is extremely liberating and most of all it's a step towards becoming a better person.
I believe that my mind has limitless capabilities. All I have to do is want something bad enough to work really hard at it and VIOLA! I've got it. As soon as I say I can't or I don't know how, I have limited my mind and there in lies my defeat. Becoming aware of my shortcomings does not mean that I have to stay that way. It's like knowing you’re not a fast runner. All you have to do is practice by running everyday and eventually you will become a fast runner. The key is to set realistic goals. Start off with small tasks and as you accomplish those, move on to the bigger ones.
In my life I have seen all types of personalities rise above the worst situations. I have also seen people literally stand in there own way. True, those around us can hinder us and cause us to lose focus enough that we get on the wrong track. Yet in still, we are the only ones who truly control our lives. If you know someone is bad for you get them out of your life. Now believe me I know all too well how hard this is. The trick is to recognize and realize that someone doesn't have to be apart of every aspect of your life. If you love someone to much too totally eliminate them from your life, keep them at a great distance. Don't look back at your lack of accomplishments or all of the things that you wanted to change about yourself and be able to say; well this person is the reason for my shortcomings. That’s crazy! You can't really love someone if you’re not being good for them, just like they can't really love you if they're holding you back.
I for one, refuse to never reach my full potential or not realize my dreams because of someone else. I've stood in my own way for far too long. Everyday I'm going to try and work on me so that I can be the best woman, mother, sister, person period. I have got so much that I want to do and I have no idea how much time God is giving me to do it. Therefore I am not wasting one precious second. But hey, that's just me.

Adaptation

2008-11-25T19:20:00.001-08:00

Charles Darwin said it is not the most intelligent species that lasts the longest, it’s the most adaptable. As my life takes unexpected twists and turns, I am finally starting to understand Darwin's logic. In this world, with a failing economy, every man (or woman) is out for themselves. If you want someone to help you, you've got to bring something to the table. Basically everyone uses each other.
True, when it is said like that it seems really crude and crass. However, that doesn't make it any less true. Now don't get me wrong, there are many selfless acts, on my part and otherwise. But these are few and in between. We tend to operate on the bartering system despite the level of sophistication and tech savvy-ness that we have evolved to.
When I think of my current relationships/friendships I find that with most of them the scales are tipped in their favor and that has got to change.
In order for me to survive I have to adapt. No, I do not want to be one of those people who just get, get, get. Yet, I also don't want to be one of those people who give until they have nothing left because they've been sucked dry. It's a big dilemma for me. I have stated in earlier posts that I feel my compassionate nature gets taken advantage of. My problem is finding the balance between adapting to the current state of human interactions and being true to myself.
Would it be wrong of me to take a hard look at the people in my life and judge them on a give/take ratio? I feel like that's what gets done to me. Of course I am not trying to retaliate; this is not me being vindictive. This is however, my wake up call to me. Currently I am not happy. Yes I have things and people that make me happy but when it comes to where I am with my goals, I am way behind schedule.
I am well aware that I am a grown woman and I have to own up to the consequences that result from my own actions. But I am also aware that the people in my life have added to those consequences and it was for their own gain. It's almost like I wish I could just move away and leave everyone behind. But the logical side of me knows that running is not the answer. I have to remedy my problems and issues with the people in my life or else I will just make the same mistakes all over again.
This year is almost over and there are so many things that I have yet to accomplish. Hopefully with my current realizations I won't repeat this year personally, professionally, and otherwise. I think that it is time for me to get my "house" in order before 2009 comes in. I'm gonna miss the ones who fall to the wayside but I'll deal. Adapting, surviving, it all sounds like the same thing to me. But hey, that's just me.

Fear

2008-11-24T10:01:00.000-08:00

Most people think encountering people or the environment causes fear; this is not true. It is that way you choose to react to people and your environment that causes fear.
Profound huh? Recently I did exactly what I said I wasn't going to do. I got involved in a relationship and at the first sign of trouble, I bailed. I chose to react fearfully to my significant other, I chose to let my increasing dependence on him cause me to get scared. It was kind of like touching what I thought was hot, pulling away and never looking back to see if it would remain that way. Ironically, I realized that I had reacted out of pocket almost as soon as the words escaped my mouth. Now I miss him, more than that I still need him, running did nothing to eliminate my dependence. My dilemma now lies in how do I make things right. There are legitimate concerns on the table that lead to our break-up. Yes, I made a rash decision, and yes, I made the wrong decision out of fear (or did I?). However, one thing is evident, we have some major problems. And no matter how good we are for each other, love each other, want to be together, etc. those problems are not going to go away or remedy themselves.
Knowing this I want to lay everything out on the table, right after I apologize of course. Yet, I'm still scared. The wise thing for me to do seems to be for me to work out my own fears. The crazy part is I "need" him to work it out. I think that facing my fear is the only way for me to work it out. I bet your asking yourself what exactly am I afraid of.
Well, I'm afraid of failing. Failing at this relationship, failing to protect my already extremely fragile heart. Mostly I'm afraid of failing him, not being what he wants and needs.
WHEW! That was hard for me to admit. Now I think I have to admit it to him. And that's the hardest part of all. So thus far I've come up with a whole list of things to try and talk to him about. I know that realistically our problems won't be solved in one setting. I also know that I want more than anything for us to solve them, however long it takes. And I always go after what I want. But hey, that's just me.

Love & Honesty

2008-11-20T08:16:00.000-08:00

Relationships are tricky through and through. They require continuous maintenance, time, and most of all patience. My relationships, especially lately, seem to be in limbo. Sometimes the longevity of the relationship clouds my judgement and I end up resenting the friendship. I guess I struggle with my compassionate nature because compassion and logic don't always go together.
To be frank, compassion is a very illogical emotion. For instance, I am not a rich person. to say the least I get by through God's grace and mercy. However, I am extremely generous, especially when it comes to me feeling compassionate. How can I give away the little that I have? Honestly, I don't know, it's like I'm compelled. The big problem with my "compassionate generosity" is I get taken advantage of. Sometimes it's deliberate, sometimes its not. The other problem is I tend to forget about the past when a new situation arises. Dumb huh? I know it is and I really do try and change, but here's my other problem, I like being compassionate and generous. And the relationships I have, platonic and other, are with individuals who know me well enough to know all of this about me.
So where do I draw the line? Ironically, this question I do know the answer to, at least logically I do. I draw the line when someone is blatantly taking my kindness for weakness. Yet the longer I am in these relationships/friendships, the harder it is for me to not only recognize this type of behavior (people can be very deceitful), but it's harder for me to get out of the relationship.
I was thinking about a pros & cons and a likes & dislikes list to help me weed out my life. but that seems sort of crass. I don't want to stop being a compassionate and generous person that my parents raised, yet I don't want to be bitter and distrustful either. I think it is really important for me to resolve these issues and maybe even dissolve some of the relationships/friendships that I have right now. Working on me, getting my mental and emotional state back on track is a top priority for me. Therefore I'm setting out to do something about situations where I have been or am being taken advantage of. But hey, that's just me.

Love, Like, & Infactuation

2008-09-22T16:33:00.000-07:00

"And still my heart can't be still." This may sound like a line from a romance novel, but it's not. This what popped in my mind as I read my ex-boyfriend's invitation to come and see him. Sad, huh? I think it is. Mainly because I'm so confused as to why I react that way to him.
Unfortunately this last year or so has left me on the critical list when it comes to my emotions. There are times when I get this surge of love, but its always for my family and really close friends. I think the reality of it is that I am damaged. I have been hurt so badly that I'm numb. I get these small glimpses of feelings, however they are what usually triggers the numbness.
Pain that is internal, pain that no medication, dug, or drink in the world can't help, that the kind of pain I've suffered. And although my suffering has eased up, it is no where near gone. I think that's why my mind, as a defense mechanism, opts for the numbness. The problem there is I need to be loved. And who is gonna love someone who doesn't know if they love them back. No, that's wrong, who is gonna love someone who can't show that they love them back.
My last relationship was really safe, really predictable. Of course I am aware that I opted for this relationship because it was safe. Yet, bottom line it was really unfair to him, because although I love him, I am not in love with him. Most of all I owe myself a chance at being a part of a relationship that is born out of compatibility, generosity, honesty, and similar & supportive ambitions in life.
I don't know if I have even the potential for that kind of relationship with the guys that I have been talking to or dating. What I do know is that sometimes the loneliness makes me make really bad and/or stupid decisions. More for me to work through, by trial and error and even through prayer. Ironically, the safe relationship is not with the guy who I began this piece talking about. Regardless I am going to work through it and if he continues to send my heart into overdrive, great. If he doesn't I will move on, at least I will try like hell to. But hey, that's just me.

Looking for Love in All The..

2008-09-15T13:54:00.000-07:00

Men and women. Fundamentally we are the same. Made of flesh and blood, in need of food, water, air, and shelter to survive. Yet we are also fundamentally different. According to biology this is derived from chromosomes. Women tend to be more bilateral in the use of their brain, they can switch readily between the left and right hemispheres in various situations. Men tend to be more lateral in thinking. They either favor the left hemisphere (analytical, logical, factual, facts & figures oriented) or the right hemisphere (emotional, creative, artistic, romantic, and expressive of feelings).
Now all of this is fascinating I'm sure. At least it was for me, however it does not bring me any closer to understanding men. And in light of that, I'm sure it doesn't bring men any closer to understanding women.
So here in lies my personal dilemma. Currently I am alone. No boyfriend, no man, no husband, no one. Frankly, this is not a state that I choose to be in. But I feel as if I have no choice to be in. I have had my share of good and bad relationships. I believe that once I was with my soul mate. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control we were split up. This was (as he tactfully pointed out) almost 10 years ago. And although I still have very deep and very powerful feelings for him, 10 years has put ( what I fear) to much of a distance between us.
Still I search for that closeness, that unspoken passion, that stuff that day dreams are made of. It was so easy 10 years ago, but I was young, naive, and I had no concern for "understanding" the opposite sex what so ever. Ah, young love.
Alas, here in the present I long for that understanding. Mainly because I believe that understanding will bring me to a state of trust. Ah Ha! Did you catch it? I, surprise, surprise, have trust issues with men.
No, it is not because of my father, grandfather, or any other man related to me. I have and I have had wonderful, open, and ( say it with me people) honest relationships with all of the men in my family.
No, my dis-trust stems from the three men in my life that I trusted completely and they basically took my trust and flushed it down the proverbial toilet. Needless to say I still love each of them. Each for different reasons and in different ways. Yet, those experiences hinder me from being able to get close to another man. To really let someone in.
I feel like the only way I can ever trust again is to understand the male species. However, this plight of understanding is almost impossible without first getting close to the guy.
WHEW! Self-discovery can really be frightening. I guess for now I'll just take baby steps with the potentially right for me men that I encounter. I've made a sort of peace with being alone, but only for now. I am determined to trust again, determined to love and be loved again. But hey, that's just me.

Who are you?

2008-09-10T13:23:00.000-07:00

Ideally self expression is based on what and who you think you are. But how many of us actually have a clear picture of ourselves. Seriously, do you know what you look like? What complexion are you, what size are you, how tall are you? Have you ever walked by a reflective surface and were surprised that it was you staring back at you?
Do you identify with the latest trends and styles of clothing? Are your clothes how you express yourself? Is it your hair? Self expression is the beginning of self confidence. When you know, at least to a substantial degree, who you are you can confidently display to the world the aspects of you. The challenge lies in using things in the media, magazines, etc. as idea generators instead of the basis for your expression.
Know what works for you and what doesn't, but learn this at your own pace based on your INDIVIDUAL taste. Being comfortable in your own skin, with your body type, your hair texture is hard enough. Why wear something that makes you uncomfortable or a hair style that's unflattering because it's the "style".
Let's all take a note from Rhianna at this year's Video Music Awards. The girl performed in a cropped leather jacket only, with black jeans and heels. Sure it looked hip and stylish, yet she was so preoccupied with keeping the jacket closed that her performance suffered.
Self love, self confidence, and self expression all go hand in hand. Finding out who you are and showing the world your discovery is a very private and personal journey. One that I, myself, have embarked on. In doing so I proceed with caution, but hey, that's just me.

Pursuit of Happiness

2008-09-08T10:32:00.000-07:00

Recently as I indulged in a day of self-realization, I came to the conclusion that I want to be more than just content. Being happy is sort of a myth to me. I think that everyone has moments of happiness, especially when they are a child, but I have yet to meet someone who is truly happy. In this day & age, it is rare for an individual to pursue happiness. I say this because being happy is derived from what, as an individual, you feel makes you happy. Yet those feelings are influenced by so many outside factors that the heart of your happiness gets lost in the shuffle.
As adults, we bring our childhood aspirations into our choices and daily activities. The problem with this is as a child, you are not fully equipped, mentally, to not be influenced by friends, celebrities, etc. There are of course people who have your best interests in mind. Yet, that does not mean that their influence is what's best for you. Following a dream, an incredible, personal dream is ideal for everyone. However, making that dream realistic is the most personal part. Unfortunately, reality is sometimes what crushes those dreams.
Personally, I believe that you can create happiness. I feel that if you allow your mind to come to terms with what makes you unhappy, those things lose their power. You have to embrace the small things, treasure the big things, and find a place where you don't take yourself or life to seriously. I am victim to my own seriousness on a daily basis. Sometimes it works in my favor because it keeps me from making irresponsible decisions. Other times it keeps me from making any kind of a decision.
I have launched, at least on paper and in a few small actions, my own pursuit of happiness. After enduring incredible loss, heartache, and disappointment I am done leaving anything to chance. I get really nervous and overwhelmed in my pursuits, but I know thats because I am embarking on unchartered territory. I would rather live and fail, than live and never achieve anything because I'm not sure what's going to happen. But hey, that's just me.

Letting Go

2008-09-05T05:55:00.000-07:00

The shrill sound of my alarm clock startled me as I nudged my son to get up. I had already hit snooze, so to speak, the first time it went off and I never really went back to sleep fully. My focus was his breakfast, then getting him dressed, and then getting me dressed. I made his lunch and then spent five to ten minutes looking for his lunch bag. As my brain presented me with a mental picture of the blue and black Batman lunch bag, I instantly remembered where the bag was. Okay, so I was nervous. This is my kid's first day of 1st grade and he is not only at a new school, but he will be taking the bus. I want him to be accepted and to not be afraid. Boy, did he set me straight.
As I checked the bus route schedule, my six year old approached me, his face aglow with excitement. I explained to him that he was taking the bus and that I could not be on the bus with him. He informed me that he had it covered. And yes, those were the words he used.
At about 8:15 am we headed out of the door. Once outside I noticed that it had been raining earlier that morning and I worried that it might start back up again. So we turned around and went back into the apartment to get his Spiderman umbrella. Out into the outside world we went again. After going maybe seven or eight steps I noticed how windy it was. Then my son commented on how windy it was. Back we went into the apartment to get a jacket for him and a sweater for me. Finally we were ready to make the journey to the end of our complex where the bus would pick him up.
When we reached the designated area I noticed some kids had gathered on the building closest stoop. I could tell that they knew each other and that this was a normal routine for them. I instantly began to worry that my son would feel left out. My mind started to entertain thoughts of him being alienated from the other kids. As I explained what I wanted him to do once he arrived at school my doubts became infectious. He looked at me thoughtfully and asked if I could ride the bus with him. In that moment my heart soared. He was still my little baby!
The bus pulled up and he abandoned all thoughts of me riding with him. I walked him to the bus and waved until the bus pulled away. As I walked back I realized that some of my experiences as a child influenced how I dealt with him having to go through new experiences. I never saw myself as the type of mother who clung to her child and expected the child to cling to her. My kid is one of the most independent kid's I have ever seen. Although I love it, it does sometimes scare me. Yet, I know now that it's only because of my maternal instincts.
Today was a lesson for me. Even though it was a small occurrence for me, I know it will stand out in my son's memory forever. And I am good with that. But hey, that's just me.

Republicians & Other Things I Don't Understand

2008-09-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

As I sat comfortably on my living room couch, my younger sister turned on the Republican Convention. While I am not big on politics, this obviously historic election has been catching my attention. I did not watch the whole thing, however I did catch the former mayor of New York's speech. In one word, WOW. I see why he was such a popular mayor and why he tried to run for president himself. He is a dynamic speaker and he has a really interesting sense of humor. Yet I was a little put off by his speech. There he was addressing a convention of Republicans, and all he could do was bash Obama. I really didn't see the point. Now don't get me wrong, I have no opinion either way when it comes to who should be president. I know, its sad and I should exercise my right to vote, blah, blah, blah. But how can I choose a politician based on their campaign when all they both are doing is telling us what they think the public wants to hear. I am also convinced that voting has only a small amount to do with who gets elected president. That, of course is a whole other conversation.
Ironically, right before my sister turned to the convention we were watching a commercial from the Obama camp. In this commercial pictures of President Bush and Senator McCain were set to music that told of how one person wanted to be just like the other person. In the pictures Bush and McCain looked like old buddys. Personally, although I found the commercial to be extremely funny, I also thought that it was hitting below the belt. I know that President Bush is not the greatest president and NO, I do not want someone in office that is going to conduct things like him. However, that commercial proves my point about politics. Each candidate is capable of being totally unethical. Politics is a corrupt institution, and I want no part of it. But hey, that's just me.

Love Lost & Found

2008-09-02T19:21:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be nice if there was somewhere you could go to find a lost love? I am beginning to believe that there is such a place. Except its not a physical place, it is where life, destiny, fate, God, whatever you believe in takes you.
My first love, occurred when I was a teenager, 18 to be exact. I have been told so often that I was to young to know what love was, that it was infatuation. My heart told me differently and we decided to get engaged. Due to circumstances beyond our control we were split up. However, I have had the opportunity to be reunited with "my first love." We have not seen each other in three years, yet we slipped so easily back into our former way, it was like trying on a pair of old jeans. I was actually extremely nervous and distrustful of the meeting. Our past has lead us away from each other and I am still not sure of the man who he is today.
Bright side? I am a firm believer in two things when it comes to people.The first being my intuition which has been quite reliable through the years, and secondly I do not believe that people fundamentally change. I think that we change our habits, mannerisms, our ways as we mature, but who we fundamentally are is forever. It's like the old adage about a a leopard not being able to change its spots.
Therefore, I am confused about what our reconnection means for us, but I am hopeful. Like I said he is my first love. This does not mean that I am seriously entertaining fairytale thoughts about him walking back into my life to sweep me off my feet. It just means that I still believe in love and he is a love that I lost and have now found.
Although my approach to things is usually to hit them straight on, I think I am going to let this one play itself out. I will, as I see fit, step in and make my own destiny with him. Of course those steps will be far and in between, not to mention very necessary.
I want what we had, more than anything or anyone. But I will not let what I want cloud my judgment or my good sense. But hey, that's just me.

Stressed & Feeling Fat

2008-08-12T19:46:00.000-07:00

We women go through a lot each and every month, at least emotionally we do. I have so much on my plate right now and the onset of PMS is kicking my butt! I seriously feel like I don't have any control of my emotions. It is really nerve wrecking. At this point in my life (August) I am already working at emotional overload. Both my mother and my brother died in this month, I chose to pursue a wrongful death suit for my brother, money is basically non-existent, school is starting for my kid(school clothes out of thin air?), we have to move AGAIN, and my album isn't ready for the record company so I'm not making any money off of my music. Are you feeling me here?
I don't want sympathy, I want support. I don't want hand-outs, I want a helping hand. Yet, I can't get my mind, heart, hormones, and emotions to all agree long enough for any of these things to happen. I see why women are accused of being crazy, I feel crazy! Yes, more than usual. I hate not being in control, although it (PMS) is inspiring me to write an article about natural combatants. I think that since I started my freelance career I have found away to turn every thing into a story idea. It is ironically therapeutic.
There are so many reasons to stay in bed when I'm feeling like this, so many reasons to drown in self-pity. However, I am a rational person and I realize that none of that will help me once I return to normal. Based on the weight on my shoulders and my lack of help, I am not about to do anything that is gonna make things worse for me. Through the haze of emotions I decide to just tough it out. But hey, that's just me.

August 11

2008-08-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

August 11th, I don't know what I expected to feel today. All that comes to mind is empty & angry. Numb almost because outside of the anger I really don't feel anything. Funny for someone who is so emotional. Since my mom died its all I feel, just anger. Then with Lavel's death my anger increased, 12-fold. I know that seems like an exaggeration, but that's what it feels like to me.
More still I don't know what I expected from my family and loved ones (friends). I don't know anyone who has experienced what I have. Therefore I can't expect anyone to really try and do anything for me.
Oh well, I used to it, being alone. In fact I'm good at it. I have no other choice but to accept who I am and in doing this I am accepting what has happened to me, to my family. I gotta find my own peace. I don't think I have any other choice. But hey, that's just me.

GOOD MORNING!

2008-08-09T06:47:00.000-07:00

Hello world!

I am back from dream land and I have news, my sub-conscious is CRAZY! Really, I had some whopper dreams. Of course they were a little bit like reality, but not enough for me. Seriously, I know that my position as "Big Sister", really puts a lot of pressure on me. I also know that the bulk of that pressure happens to be more of what I feel is my responsibility, opposed to what I have been told is my responsibility. Anyways, I am glad that I woke up today. I am going to say a prayer of thanks, make some breakfast and try and have a wonderful day. I say try because I'm a realist, and ironically I know how hard I am to please. Self-awareness, I love it. But hey, that's just me.

Super heros

2008-08-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

What is it about human nature that makes us want to be "super"? Our world is obviously consistent, good vs. evil. Yet, the lines get blurred so often. And what about love? Are evil people capable of love? Are people capable of being truly evil?
These are the questions that run through my mind as I watch "Unbreakable", M Night Shaylaman's ode to comic books. These questions also popped in my head as I read "Justice" by Faye Kellerman. In this book I was more drawn to the "villain" than the hero. The reason? He was a product of his environment. Plain and simple, he was broken. Young and trapped in a life that never allowed him to love, at least not without it resulting in death.
I guess, no I know, I am compassionate to a fault. My compassion got me my kid, and in a world that is obviously good & evil, compassion just might be what keeps me good and not evil. But hey, that's just me.

Thinking 2 Much

2008-08-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

Outside of the window, near the computer is the clearest blue sky that I have seen, in a very long time. Sky like that has a tendency to make me hopeful. Right now, for me, hope is all I really have. You see, I am going through a sort of transition. I am stagnant with my music, although I was offered a singing position with a local band. They have not started performing yet and I have some reservations about the arrangement. Anyways, with my music on hold I have to bring in some sort of revenue. Therefore, I have started back writing. It's hard, coming from a very extensive writer's block, back to writing everyday, all day. That's part of the reason I started this blog, so that I could find my voice. Or better put, my creative, writer's voice.
Self-motivation has never been my strong point. I have always needed back-up and sometimes even praise. Rejection is a big part of this business and I've got pretty tough skin, but...? I guess I am just in a mood of sorts, the kind that makes me realize that hope and I are going to be spending a lot of time together from now on. I just "hope" that I pull myself out of the ruts that I get myself into. But hey, that's just me.

It's Friday

2008-08-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been awake but only sort of awake. You know, deep in a day dream? What do you see? This morning, after I was rudely awaken by the love of my life, my son. I started dozing off and I had the clearest picture of mountains. Odd huh? I live in Michigan and we do not have mountains. However, Las Vegas is surrounded by mountains, and I think since I will be there in a week or so, my mind is trying to prepare me for them.
For me, when I think about those mountains I feel a sense of peace. Last year, those mountains was one of the ONLY things that gave me any peace. Now this year, when I return, I am looking for them to do the same. I may be the only person that can find peace in an enormous piece of rock, but hey, that's just me.

Self-employment

2008-08-07T11:19:00.000-07:00

For about a month now I have been trying to get my freelance writing career of the ground. Truthfully it is harder than I thought it would be. I definitely didn't expect to be sitting for hours at a computer, and I haven't got to the writing part yet. No, this is all research. Some of it is research for articles and essays, and some of it job searching. More than anything I have to familiarize myself with the different publications that I am trying to write for. It is really time consuming. I wish I could say that my passion for writing, in combination with my need for gainful employment, are enough incentive for me to really go at this with all of my resources. Yet, I find myself feeling low when I get rejected and I find myself getting discouraged.

I am well aware that I have to get over myself, because if I want my dreams to become reality I have to be the one to get to it. All I'm saying is I would like a little encouragement, and every once in awhile I would like to share my explorations with someone, face to face. But hey, that's just me.

Hello World!

2008-08-07T09:30:00.000-07:00

So this is my blog! I'm really excited because I have the opportunity to share what I have to say with the world. And believe me, I have lots to say. This blog is dedicated to Anthony Lavel Hawkins, my little brother and best friend. We will never forget bro!

So this is how I roll, whatever you have to say, write it. Remember that you can say pretty much anything, as long as you say it the right way. I reserve the right to delete what I don't like and you reserve the right to love it or leave it.

This blog is all about self-expression. I think it is better to get stuff out, holding it in makes me really crazy. But hey, that's just me.