Love, Like, & Infactuation

"And still my heart can't be still." This may sound like a line from a romance novel, but it's not. This what popped in my mind as I read my ex-boyfriend's invitation to come and see him. Sad, huh? I think it is. Mainly because I'm so confused as to why I react that way to him.
Unfortunately this last year or so has left me on the critical list when it comes to my emotions. There are times when I get this surge of love, but its always for my family and really close friends. I think the reality of it is that I am damaged. I have been hurt so badly that I'm numb. I get these small glimpses of feelings, however they are what usually triggers the numbness.
Pain that is internal, pain that no medication, dug, or drink in the world can't help, that the kind of pain I've suffered. And although my suffering has eased up, it is no where near gone. I think that's why my mind, as a defense mechanism, opts for the numbness. The problem there is I need to be loved. And who is gonna love someone who doesn't know if they love them back. No, that's wrong, who is gonna love someone who can't show that they love them back.
My last relationship was really safe, really predictable. Of course I am aware that I opted for this relationship because it was safe. Yet, bottom line it was really unfair to him, because although I love him, I am not in love with him. Most of all I owe myself a chance at being a part of a relationship that is born out of compatibility, generosity, honesty, and similar & supportive ambitions in life.
I don't know if I have even the potential for that kind of relationship with the guys that I have been talking to or dating. What I do know is that sometimes the loneliness makes me make really bad and/or stupid decisions. More for me to work through, by trial and error and even through prayer. Ironically, the safe relationship is not with the guy who I began this piece talking about. Regardless I am going to work through it and if he continues to send my heart into overdrive, great. If he doesn't I will move on, at least I will try like hell to. But hey, that's just me.