Once I was told that I couldn't’ be loved by anyone else because of the flaws and the things that I had been through had caused me to become someone that was hard to love. The craziest part is once I heard those words it seems like I started making that prediction come true. Every time I found a man that seemed to love me, I found a way to destroy it. I even got a nickname that told of how I ruined lives. Sadly, I started to not care if my relationships went very far because I was convinced that they couldn’t even if I wanted them too.
See my biggest hang up was being hurt and appearing desperate. Not to blame one person, but at one time I was very trusting and loving. If I loved you, I gave you my everything, period. Then once upon a yesterday, I gave my all and the heartache I suffered for doing so hardened me to the point that I woke up one day and I did not recognize myself. Loss of a dream, loss of a facade, love loss that you realize might not ever been real, those are some powerful things to go through.
So here I am, wanting and willing to put all that hurt aside. My reason? I want to be loved. I want to be able to show love, to be a loving person again without worrying who’s going to take advantage of my love. For me this is an exhausted subject because no matter how many times I try to get back to my true nature I cannot. I’m too scared, too broken.
The thing is I think I have what I want and therefore I don’t want to mess it up. But how do you stop a train wreck? How do you tell your own heart that it’s ok to put the shield down when it stopped listening to you so long ago that it probably would not recognize your voice to begin with? I wish I knew the answer, almost as much as I wish I knew simply how to let go of the hurt and pain that caused me to be this way in the first place.
I’m not going to give up though. I can’t, not as long as I choose to live life to the fullest. For what’s a life without love? Intimate, personal, meaningful, sacred love. I don’t know and frankly I am not the least bit curious in finding out. But hey, that’s just me.

Opportunites Unlimited

On April 26th I walk across the stage at Davenport University's main campus in Grand Rapids, MI and I will OFFICIALLY have my Associates degree in Marketing. Although that in itself is truly exciting, it also puts a lot of pressure on me to get and be better at marketing my debut album “Can You Hear Me Now?” and at branding my name. Although I have learned so much and each day I try to use the marketing principles that I have learned I still have yet to reach the momentum that I need to be successful.
I am an independent artist and I believe that I am extremely talented; however there are thousands of extremely talented people in the world. I am starting to believe that prioritizing and finding the right people to support and work with you is key. The thing is in my efforts to be all that I can be,I have found those types of people are far and in between.
Less than a month ago I lost a close and dear friend of mine and he was at the beginning of his life. His death has made my need to succeed even deeper because I am faced with my own mortality. Not only that, it made me want to be remembered for something great. It would be awesome to become a mega-super star, but I am more concerned with sharing my music with the world.
I feel that I am a highly intuitive person, in addition to being very expressive of human emotions. When I sing I translate all of this and I have seen how powerful that is when I perform. This is why I feel so much pressure because it is important for me to be my own driving force. Yet, it is turning out to be incredibly hard. Everyone needs a mentor and I have had that in my father, Anthony Hawkins, vocalist and lead guitarist of the Black Merda Band . His example, teachings, direction, love, support, etc. is the reason that I am the woman, the musician that I am today. Nevertheless, I have taken on more with choosing marketing as my back up career. When it comes to integrating the two, marketing and music, I am the first to take it to the level that I am striving for. Heck, I am the first of his children to graduate from college.
My pursuits are what sometimes motivate me to get out of bed. On the other hand, they are occasionally what keeps me under the covers. I am determined to realize my dreams even if I have to ammend them as I go along. There are a lot of things that I am doing that are right and I know that they will lead me to being who I am meant to be. What worries me is that it is obvious that there are things that I am doing wrong also. So for now, figuring out which is which has taken its place on my list of things to do. Overwhelmed or not, I will get better. But hey, that's just me.

Inspiration

Sunday was my first performance of the songs off my album and it was awesome! I was so comfortable and I sounded really good. I wish I could have put together a complete show (i.e. dancers, background singers, full band). However, I believe I made up for it with my performance. It is amazing how 17 minutes can make such a big difference! I can't describe the high I got from hearing the applause, in the middle of my song(!!!!), and the reaction of the crowd was infectious. I have known all my life that I wanted to sing, but this last performance has definitely sealed my fate, I am meant to do this.
Growing up in a musical family, for me, has been truly been a blessing in so many ways. Music has gotten me and my family through some really tough times. Writing songs, singing them, recording them, etc. is like therapy for me, and I know for a fact my dad and siblings feel the same way. That is part of the reason why I have chosen to pursue a music career. The other reason is I love being able to touch people's lives.
After Sunday's show I received emails, Myspace messages and friend requests, all because of my performance and my song, Knowing. The song itself was my way of getting my feelings out about my first love lying and leaving me and now I know (because of my album & performance) that other people identify with the song. They see themselves, even if they feel like the song was written about them. That is so HUGE! And it feels AMAZING!
I get discouraged and I get disappointed in how far I have to go with not only this album but my career as a recording artist period. However, in those 17 minutes I realized that I have what it takes to be successful. I have to keep pushing forward, no matter how I am feeling or how bleak the outlook might be. From now on I am on a mission to do whatever it takes (within reason and moral restraints) to be successful and to fulfill my destiny. But hey, that's just me.

Taking Charge

Yesterday I started reading "Web Marketing for Dummies" and it opened up so much creativity in me, I almost feel like myself again. Almost. Some kind of a way I have managed to take all of my pinned up stress, anger, frustration, etc. and put it into my left shoulder. Therefore, for a solid week I have been having excruciating muscle spasms. I actually went to the emergency room and got a prescription. I also started taking the medication and this has thrown my body and state of mind into oblivion and beyond.
Slowly I am trying to come out of it, but the pain, plus all of the stuff that stressed me out enough to cause this kind of pain, are really holding me down. It is funny, I feel these moments of clarity and optimism, then I feel stupid for ever feeling like that to begin with. Yet and still I have no choice but to push forward.
I have a whole lot that I want to accomplish. Yeah I have my associates degree in Marketing, the first in my family to do that but then again so what? For me certain accomplishments are lost when it is the minimum that you should have achieved in the first place. I know and I believe in me. Point blank.
I have disappointed the crap out of myself numerous of times but guess what? I am the only one who is counting. Sometimes I think that is the only because no one else really sees me. Obviously I get it right some of the time. Of course those are the times that my memory can not readily recall. I guess I am going to have to do something about that. But hey, that's just me.

A Day for Love

Called the symbol of love roses are a favorite of mine. Through movies and my parents I have always associated roses with Valentine’s Day. This Valentine’s Day I am not sure of how I will be celebrating but I do think that it will prove to be special. Here in the United States Valentine’s Day is a really big commercial holiday. However, I believe that it can be about sharing, caring, and loving those around you.
Valentine’s Day is actually celebrated all over the world and roses are the most popular flower for gift giving. The first time I ever received flowers for Valentine’s Day, my then boyfriend had ordered them from 1800flowers.com, and they were beautiful. It was really amazing how those flowers lifted my spirits and made me feel so cared for. I am actually the type that doesn’t need a holiday to appreciate a bouquet of flowers.
This Valentine’s Day falls on a weekend and that makes for an even better time. I have my own ideal Valentine’s Day celebration, but as I said before I think it should be about sharing, caring, and loving those around you. Gifts are great to receive and even better to give. Hopefully I will get a beautiful bouquet of roses to go along with the pleasure of being with the special man in my life. If not, being with him will be enough. But hey, that’s just me.

Bad Day

Today I got into a huge argument with my older brother. The argument was petty, but every time we get into an argument, he brings up money that he gave for OUR BROTHER'S memorial service. I am unclear as to why he feels like he is owed something, our brother's death was unexpected, he didn't have life insurance, and he was only 24 years old. There was no way that we could afford the memorial service without help.
When I think of how he keeps throwing this up in my face it angers me beyond belief. I was with our little brother throughout his short illness (he died of cardio-myopathy that went undiagnosed) and I am the one who cut his life support once he was no longer breathing on his own. I would do it again in a heartbeat if it would mean that my little brother had some sort of peace before his life ended, but MAN! My grief is born out of watching him suffer in addition to losing him.
I guess I am unable to see how material/monetary contribution justifies my older brother's actions. In a lot of ways I am broken because of what I endured in my support of both my brothers. Grief is a cruel task master, it knows no boundaries and it will raise its ugly head whenever it feels like it. I think that I am subjected to the selfishness of my older sibling because of his own grief. However, that is no excuse and I am unable to look past his words and actions.
Every day I struggle with continuing my life because I live with the memories of how my little brother's life ended. No one else in my family has these memories; there isn't anyone whom I can share this with to lessen my burden either. So how do I pull myself up when I am faced with the ones who should be supporting me, adding to my suffering?
That is a question that I have asked myself many times. Through the grace of God I am still here, with my sanity still intact (sort of). I push past negativity, I try to let go of my anger, and I write. These things have helped me greatly throughout this past year that my little brother has been gone. I am not saying, in no way, shape, or fashion that I am ok. Because I am not. What I am saying is that my little brother's death and the lack of support that I have with coping with my role in his death are things that I cannot change. Therefore I must still live, I must still know. But hey, that's just me.

Moving Along

My research has made me even more excited and committed to going to Kenya. I am really learning a lot about the culture and the people. Since I am a writer and I have been exploring the possibility of writing about my experiences in Kenya I keep coming across the Nation Media Group. Additionally, I came across veteran journalist, Wangethi Mwangi, who is the Editorial Director. As you can see Nation Media Group employs some very ambitious and business savvy individuals. Wangethi Mwangi is very verbal about the role that the media plays in spreading the campaign for independence for Kenya. Kenya is a multicultural country made up of numerous ethnic groups. This diverse culture adds to the allure for me. There is also the Kenyan cuisine for me to think about. I want to try this dish called Biriani, which has beef (or chicken), rice, onions, potatoes, papaya, ginger, yum, yum, YUM! It just sounds delicious, actually I was thinking of trying it at home. I am a pretty good cook, which is ironic because so is Wangethi Mwangi. It just so happens to be a hobby of his. It makes me feel so good and confident to know that I have things in common with people who are way across the world. It also shows me that I can achieve my goals. Traveling and becoming an accomplished writer doesn’t seem like a far away dream. But hey, that’s just me.