Called the symbol of love roses are a favorite of mine. Through movies and my parents I have always associated roses with Valentine’s Day. This Valentine’s Day I am not sure of how I will be celebrating but I do think that it will prove to be special. Here in the United States Valentine’s Day is a really big commercial holiday. However, I believe that it can be about sharing, caring, and loving those around you.
Valentine’s Day is actually celebrated all over the world and roses are the most popular flower for gift giving. The first time I ever received flowers for Valentine’s Day, my then boyfriend had ordered them from 1800flowers.com, and they were beautiful. It was really amazing how those flowers lifted my spirits and made me feel so cared for. I am actually the type that doesn’t need a holiday to appreciate a bouquet of flowers.
This Valentine’s Day falls on a weekend and that makes for an even better time. I have my own ideal Valentine’s Day celebration, but as I said before I think it should be about sharing, caring, and loving those around you. Gifts are great to receive and even better to give. Hopefully I will get a beautiful bouquet of roses to go along with the pleasure of being with the special man in my life. If not, being with him will be enough. But hey, that’s just me.
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Monday, November 24, 2008
Fear
Most people think encountering people or the environment causes fear; this is not true. It is that way you choose to react to people and your environment that causes fear.
Profound huh? Recently I did exactly what I said I wasn't going to do. I got involved in a relationship and at the first sign of trouble, I bailed. I chose to react fearfully to my significant other, I chose to let my increasing dependence on him cause me to get scared. It was kind of like touching what I thought was hot, pulling away and never looking back to see if it would remain that way. Ironically, I realized that I had reacted out of pocket almost as soon as the words escaped my mouth. Now I miss him, more than that I still need him, running did nothing to eliminate my dependence. My dilemma now lies in how do I make things right. There are legitimate concerns on the table that lead to our break-up. Yes, I made a rash decision, and yes, I made the wrong decision out of fear (or did I?). However, one thing is evident, we have some major problems. And no matter how good we are for each other, love each other, want to be together, etc. those problems are not going to go away or remedy themselves.
Knowing this I want to lay everything out on the table, right after I apologize of course. Yet, I'm still scared. The wise thing for me to do seems to be for me to work out my own fears. The crazy part is I "need" him to work it out. I think that facing my fear is the only way for me to work it out. I bet your asking yourself what exactly am I afraid of.
Well, I'm afraid of failing. Failing at this relationship, failing to protect my already extremely fragile heart. Mostly I'm afraid of failing him, not being what he wants and needs.
WHEW! That was hard for me to admit. Now I think I have to admit it to him. And that's the hardest part of all. So thus far I've come up with a whole list of things to try and talk to him about. I know that realistically our problems won't be solved in one setting. I also know that I want more than anything for us to solve them, however long it takes. And I always go after what I want. But hey, that's just me.
Profound huh? Recently I did exactly what I said I wasn't going to do. I got involved in a relationship and at the first sign of trouble, I bailed. I chose to react fearfully to my significant other, I chose to let my increasing dependence on him cause me to get scared. It was kind of like touching what I thought was hot, pulling away and never looking back to see if it would remain that way. Ironically, I realized that I had reacted out of pocket almost as soon as the words escaped my mouth. Now I miss him, more than that I still need him, running did nothing to eliminate my dependence. My dilemma now lies in how do I make things right. There are legitimate concerns on the table that lead to our break-up. Yes, I made a rash decision, and yes, I made the wrong decision out of fear (or did I?). However, one thing is evident, we have some major problems. And no matter how good we are for each other, love each other, want to be together, etc. those problems are not going to go away or remedy themselves.
Knowing this I want to lay everything out on the table, right after I apologize of course. Yet, I'm still scared. The wise thing for me to do seems to be for me to work out my own fears. The crazy part is I "need" him to work it out. I think that facing my fear is the only way for me to work it out. I bet your asking yourself what exactly am I afraid of.
Well, I'm afraid of failing. Failing at this relationship, failing to protect my already extremely fragile heart. Mostly I'm afraid of failing him, not being what he wants and needs.
WHEW! That was hard for me to admit. Now I think I have to admit it to him. And that's the hardest part of all. So thus far I've come up with a whole list of things to try and talk to him about. I know that realistically our problems won't be solved in one setting. I also know that I want more than anything for us to solve them, however long it takes. And I always go after what I want. But hey, that's just me.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Love, Like, & Infactuation
"And still my heart can't be still." This may sound like a line from a romance novel, but it's not. This what popped in my mind as I read my ex-boyfriend's invitation to come and see him. Sad, huh? I think it is. Mainly because I'm so confused as to why I react that way to him.
Unfortunately this last year or so has left me on the critical list when it comes to my emotions. There are times when I get this surge of love, but its always for my family and really close friends. I think the reality of it is that I am damaged. I have been hurt so badly that I'm numb. I get these small glimpses of feelings, however they are what usually triggers the numbness.
Pain that is internal, pain that no medication, dug, or drink in the world can't help, that the kind of pain I've suffered. And although my suffering has eased up, it is no where near gone. I think that's why my mind, as a defense mechanism, opts for the numbness. The problem there is I need to be loved. And who is gonna love someone who doesn't know if they love them back. No, that's wrong, who is gonna love someone who can't show that they love them back.
My last relationship was really safe, really predictable. Of course I am aware that I opted for this relationship because it was safe. Yet, bottom line it was really unfair to him, because although I love him, I am not in love with him. Most of all I owe myself a chance at being a part of a relationship that is born out of compatibility, generosity, honesty, and similar & supportive ambitions in life.
I don't know if I have even the potential for that kind of relationship with the guys that I have been talking to or dating. What I do know is that sometimes the loneliness makes me make really bad and/or stupid decisions. More for me to work through, by trial and error and even through prayer. Ironically, the safe relationship is not with the guy who I began this piece talking about. Regardless I am going to work through it and if he continues to send my heart into overdrive, great. If he doesn't I will move on, at least I will try like hell to. But hey, that's just me.
Unfortunately this last year or so has left me on the critical list when it comes to my emotions. There are times when I get this surge of love, but its always for my family and really close friends. I think the reality of it is that I am damaged. I have been hurt so badly that I'm numb. I get these small glimpses of feelings, however they are what usually triggers the numbness.
Pain that is internal, pain that no medication, dug, or drink in the world can't help, that the kind of pain I've suffered. And although my suffering has eased up, it is no where near gone. I think that's why my mind, as a defense mechanism, opts for the numbness. The problem there is I need to be loved. And who is gonna love someone who doesn't know if they love them back. No, that's wrong, who is gonna love someone who can't show that they love them back.
My last relationship was really safe, really predictable. Of course I am aware that I opted for this relationship because it was safe. Yet, bottom line it was really unfair to him, because although I love him, I am not in love with him. Most of all I owe myself a chance at being a part of a relationship that is born out of compatibility, generosity, honesty, and similar & supportive ambitions in life.
I don't know if I have even the potential for that kind of relationship with the guys that I have been talking to or dating. What I do know is that sometimes the loneliness makes me make really bad and/or stupid decisions. More for me to work through, by trial and error and even through prayer. Ironically, the safe relationship is not with the guy who I began this piece talking about. Regardless I am going to work through it and if he continues to send my heart into overdrive, great. If he doesn't I will move on, at least I will try like hell to. But hey, that's just me.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Love Lost & Found
Wouldn't it be nice if there was somewhere you could go to find a lost love? I am beginning to believe that there is such a place. Except its not a physical place, it is where life, destiny, fate, God, whatever you believe in takes you.
My first love, occurred when I was a teenager, 18 to be exact. I have been told so often that I was to young to know what love was, that it was infatuation. My heart told me differently and we decided to get engaged. Due to circumstances beyond our control we were split up. However, I have had the opportunity to be reunited with "my first love." We have not seen each other in three years, yet we slipped so easily back into our former way, it was like trying on a pair of old jeans. I was actually extremely nervous and distrustful of the meeting. Our past has lead us away from each other and I am still not sure of the man who he is today.
Bright side? I am a firm believer in two things when it comes to people.The first being my intuition which has been quite reliable through the years, and secondly I do not believe that people fundamentally change. I think that we change our habits, mannerisms, our ways as we mature, but who we fundamentally are is forever. It's like the old adage about a a leopard not being able to change its spots.
Therefore, I am confused about what our reconnection means for us, but I am hopeful. Like I said he is my first love. This does not mean that I am seriously entertaining fairytale thoughts about him walking back into my life to sweep me off my feet. It just means that I still believe in love and he is a love that I lost and have now found.
Although my approach to things is usually to hit them straight on, I think I am going to let this one play itself out. I will, as I see fit, step in and make my own destiny with him. Of course those steps will be far and in between, not to mention very necessary.
I want what we had, more than anything or anyone. But I will not let what I want cloud my judgment or my good sense. But hey, that's just me.
My first love, occurred when I was a teenager, 18 to be exact. I have been told so often that I was to young to know what love was, that it was infatuation. My heart told me differently and we decided to get engaged. Due to circumstances beyond our control we were split up. However, I have had the opportunity to be reunited with "my first love." We have not seen each other in three years, yet we slipped so easily back into our former way, it was like trying on a pair of old jeans. I was actually extremely nervous and distrustful of the meeting. Our past has lead us away from each other and I am still not sure of the man who he is today.
Bright side? I am a firm believer in two things when it comes to people.The first being my intuition which has been quite reliable through the years, and secondly I do not believe that people fundamentally change. I think that we change our habits, mannerisms, our ways as we mature, but who we fundamentally are is forever. It's like the old adage about a a leopard not being able to change its spots.
Therefore, I am confused about what our reconnection means for us, but I am hopeful. Like I said he is my first love. This does not mean that I am seriously entertaining fairytale thoughts about him walking back into my life to sweep me off my feet. It just means that I still believe in love and he is a love that I lost and have now found.
Although my approach to things is usually to hit them straight on, I think I am going to let this one play itself out. I will, as I see fit, step in and make my own destiny with him. Of course those steps will be far and in between, not to mention very necessary.
I want what we had, more than anything or anyone. But I will not let what I want cloud my judgment or my good sense. But hey, that's just me.
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