Today I got into a huge argument with my older brother. The argument was petty, but every time we get into an argument, he brings up money that he gave for OUR BROTHER'S memorial service. I am unclear as to why he feels like he is owed something, our brother's death was unexpected, he didn't have life insurance, and he was only 24 years old. There was no way that we could afford the memorial service without help.
When I think of how he keeps throwing this up in my face it angers me beyond belief. I was with our little brother throughout his short illness (he died of cardio-myopathy that went undiagnosed) and I am the one who cut his life support once he was no longer breathing on his own. I would do it again in a heartbeat if it would mean that my little brother had some sort of peace before his life ended, but MAN! My grief is born out of watching him suffer in addition to losing him.
I guess I am unable to see how material/monetary contribution justifies my older brother's actions. In a lot of ways I am broken because of what I endured in my support of both my brothers. Grief is a cruel task master, it knows no boundaries and it will raise its ugly head whenever it feels like it. I think that I am subjected to the selfishness of my older sibling because of his own grief. However, that is no excuse and I am unable to look past his words and actions.
Every day I struggle with continuing my life because I live with the memories of how my little brother's life ended. No one else in my family has these memories; there isn't anyone whom I can share this with to lessen my burden either. So how do I pull myself up when I am faced with the ones who should be supporting me, adding to my suffering?
That is a question that I have asked myself many times. Through the grace of God I am still here, with my sanity still intact (sort of). I push past negativity, I try to let go of my anger, and I write. These things have helped me greatly throughout this past year that my little brother has been gone. I am not saying, in no way, shape, or fashion that I am ok. Because I am not. What I am saying is that my little brother's death and the lack of support that I have with coping with my role in his death are things that I cannot change. Therefore I must still live, I must still know. But hey, that's just me.
Subscribe To But Hey, That's Just Me
Posts
Comments
1 comment:
Brandy I understand your grief on so many levels. However I have never had to take someone off life support. But I wanted to tell you was to just take it one day at a time and pray for yourself and your family members. Don't even worry about your older Bro. foul attitude about the money.
I find it hard to deal with the memories of my dad when he was sick before he died. For years (like at least 5)it was all I could think of. It can take a long time to begin to heal from a situation like that. BUT also when you know a family member is sick and you do NOT go to their bedside and then they die, there is a guilt associated with that too. I will never forget that I did not see your mom or my grandma in the hospital. I hesitated going to see your mom because I was told she would not make it and I wondered if I wanted to remember her that way (in hospital bed) so I hesitated and then I got another call that she was gone.
My grandma Loretta was sick for a long time... but I didn't visit her the last 5 months of her life because she was senile and it hurt to have her not know who I was, and also I'd just had Josiah. I also didn't believe she'd die, not yet (I don't think I ever thought she would... some naivate on my part). Anyway so while other family members wrestle with the memory; I wrestle with the fact that I wasn't there at the very end with them.
Just remember and believe God will wipe all tears away. And allow yourself to be comforted by Him.
God Bless you Couzin
Devan Brie
Post a Comment