Once I was told that I couldn't’ be loved by anyone else because of the flaws and the things that I had been through had caused me to become someone that was hard to love. The craziest part is once I heard those words it seems like I started making that prediction come true. Every time I found a man that seemed to love me, I found a way to destroy it. I even got a nickname that told of how I ruined lives. Sadly, I started to not care if my relationships went very far because I was convinced that they couldn’t even if I wanted them too.
See my biggest hang up was being hurt and appearing desperate. Not to blame one person, but at one time I was very trusting and loving. If I loved you, I gave you my everything, period. Then once upon a yesterday, I gave my all and the heartache I suffered for doing so hardened me to the point that I woke up one day and I did not recognize myself. Loss of a dream, loss of a facade, love loss that you realize might not ever been real, those are some powerful things to go through.
So here I am, wanting and willing to put all that hurt aside. My reason? I want to be loved. I want to be able to show love, to be a loving person again without worrying who’s going to take advantage of my love. For me this is an exhausted subject because no matter how many times I try to get back to my true nature I cannot. I’m too scared, too broken.
The thing is I think I have what I want and therefore I don’t want to mess it up. But how do you stop a train wreck? How do you tell your own heart that it’s ok to put the shield down when it stopped listening to you so long ago that it probably would not recognize your voice to begin with? I wish I knew the answer, almost as much as I wish I knew simply how to let go of the hurt and pain that caused me to be this way in the first place.
I’m not going to give up though. I can’t, not as long as I choose to live life to the fullest. For what’s a life without love? Intimate, personal, meaningful, sacred love. I don’t know and frankly I am not the least bit curious in finding out. But hey, that’s just me.