Fear

Most people think encountering people or the environment causes fear; this is not true. It is that way you choose to react to people and your environment that causes fear.
Profound huh? Recently I did exactly what I said I wasn't going to do. I got involved in a relationship and at the first sign of trouble, I bailed. I chose to react fearfully to my significant other, I chose to let my increasing dependence on him cause me to get scared. It was kind of like touching what I thought was hot, pulling away and never looking back to see if it would remain that way. Ironically, I realized that I had reacted out of pocket almost as soon as the words escaped my mouth. Now I miss him, more than that I still need him, running did nothing to eliminate my dependence. My dilemma now lies in how do I make things right. There are legitimate concerns on the table that lead to our break-up. Yes, I made a rash decision, and yes, I made the wrong decision out of fear (or did I?). However, one thing is evident, we have some major problems. And no matter how good we are for each other, love each other, want to be together, etc. those problems are not going to go away or remedy themselves.
Knowing this I want to lay everything out on the table, right after I apologize of course. Yet, I'm still scared. The wise thing for me to do seems to be for me to work out my own fears. The crazy part is I "need" him to work it out. I think that facing my fear is the only way for me to work it out. I bet your asking yourself what exactly am I afraid of.
Well, I'm afraid of failing. Failing at this relationship, failing to protect my already extremely fragile heart. Mostly I'm afraid of failing him, not being what he wants and needs.
WHEW! That was hard for me to admit. Now I think I have to admit it to him. And that's the hardest part of all. So thus far I've come up with a whole list of things to try and talk to him about. I know that realistically our problems won't be solved in one setting. I also know that I want more than anything for us to solve them, however long it takes. And I always go after what I want. But hey, that's just me.